It's been a lifetime...

Wow, it just occurred to me that it's been thirty-five years. Thirty-five years ago today, my mom died. She had cervical cancer, a cancer that spread to her sciatic nerve, and involved her bladder, along with other parts of her body. She underwent radiation treatments, surgery, and untold days and nights of agonizing pain. Towards the end, she was majorly drugged up, in and out of lucidity, and hopefully, out of pain.

I don't think about the way she died too much because it's just too painful to remember. No where near what she endured, but still... I don't do it too much. I prefer to remember her living instead. I don't know what triggered thoughts of her today. I guess embedded in my brain somewhere is the knowing that she died the day before Valentine's Day. Funny how death and holidays always seem to get associated somehow.

I don't have a lifetime of memories of her, she was only 56 when she died. I was only 28. Way too young to leave this world, and way too young to lose her. I've lived most of my life without her - now that's a sobering thought. She never reached my age.

I still miss her all these years later. I miss playing Scrabble with her and hearing her moan about not having good letters. I miss hearing her bitch about my long mop of hair in my face. I miss her Sunday roasts and holiday dinners - my mom was a good cook! I miss her conversations with herself and her twirling a strand of hair round and round her fingers. I miss her calling me each of my sibling's names until she got to mine, who was who she wanted to begin with. I miss Saturday afternoon or Friday night shopping and lunch at the 5&10 or dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant and a movie afterwards. And I miss playing our records on a cheapy ol' portable record player and singing old songs together, both of us knowing the words to each other's music.

I like to think she'd be proud of me and my brother and sisters. I like to think she'd be pleased with how we turned out and what we've done with our lives. I like to think that ... and I think she would. I love you, Momma - Happy Valentine's Day.